cusp

I am a walking conundrum of opposing vanities
like a swirling funnel in a happy clown
my mind age is decreasing and pinning towards zero
i walk the king street of newtown on sunday nights
a heavy musical instrument latched to my back like the sunday cross
i take photos
i drink black beer
i'm happy in company
why weren't my twenties as much fun?
i was mercurial then
now i'm smooth
and a good enough player
so i enjoy myself
like a twenty year old should
so this is what's suggested
that 'life begins at 40'
i'm 39
i feel i'm at the top of the spoke
practically i'm probably over the half way mark
sliding down toward the inevitable passing
i take all the evidence in hand
my youthful proclivities
and obsessions
i obsess on the sound of maple
american, rock, eastern, or queensland
i obsess over the sound of basses
i obsess over the counterpoint of bach
i obsess over whether i love neil finn or not
and for what
to plug in and play for twenty minutes twice a week?
i take the other hand
manly responsibilities
fatherhood that isn't happening
my heart weeps for what has been
the wolf at the table
and what hasn't
the lamb in the cradle
and yet
i gaze onto the city
with polluted eyes
and i read about the planet
and know we're at the cusp of it all
my heart is yearning for your wellness
whether you're here
or there
somewhere in the middle of america
i don't forget the pain of others
i carry it like a homing pigeon
i act like a vain little peacock
strutting my photos all over the f-book
that can't be helped
it's an obsession
but that does not mean
my heart is mean
or impure
or more imperatively
that i do not care deeply

i'm a man
a boyish man
see how I look
like a day over 20
and spring about like the horned kid
i take responsibility as it comes
as it lands on my life plate
and i life raft on to the decline of years
all too short for one lifetime
sometimes i feel that i want to love more
to give more
but yet i know in all certainty
i'm doing my best
in doing i'm giving
and i'm not unhappy with that
that is good enough
for now
for now is all we have

stay well
i love you

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